reminiscence

I know that as human beings, we often want what we perceivably cannot have. The grass is always greener, sort of thing. And I suppose some of that is just that we want the pretty package without the underlying discomfort it may bring. Take relationships for example. You've been in a relationship with someone for a period of time, say even a few years. You have gotten beyond the initial honeymoon, gooey, "love you forever", smoochie phase and have moved beyond it to the "I don't mind if I burp in front of you" phase. You've seen each other naked and not just in the candlelight. Then you glimpse the greener grass (tighter ass?) and wonder, "what if...?" It's normal, right? The wondering?

I'm not at all saying that I want something else or that what I have is dissatisfying at all. I just think that this time around I want to be sure that this is "the one". Now, I have to say that I am not a believer in soul mates or the "perfect one out there" for each of us. I think that many people in our lives are potentials and could work out if both partners want it to. I've given up on the fairy tale and sometimes want to kick Cinderella in the head. I'll admit it. Because in my experience there are no Prince Charmings who will ride in on a white steed to rescue the damsels in distress. Get up, damsels, get yourselves out of the mess and be prepared to do your own battle with your own dragons! The princes are simply those partners who are willing to stick with it past the strike of midnight, the ones who are not enchanted by the pumpkin carriage.

Where was I? Sorry, random rabbit trail there. Anyway, I guess I am wondering how to know if I am with the person who will be able to be in relationship with me long-term. Are there any guarantees? No, I guess not, I'll answer that one on my own. Perhaps it is just the day to day choosing that makes it so. Sometimes it scares me to think of jumping into marriage again and I wonder if it might be better just to remain tentatively perched...perpetually "significant" to each other. But I want the whole thing, I want the kids, the shared house, the...but when? I'm not sure. My guess is that neither is he. So that's not so bad, then is it. Same place for the now and who knows about tomorrow.